5.4

We had a moderate earthquake here this morning. I checked on the boys and they are fine. No serious damage to report, no injuries, no casualties.

Everybody's ok.

Weekend Update

Last week I complained to Tom that there was a spot right between my shoulder blades that didn't feel right. He started pushing around there with his all-knowing fingers and announced that I had a rib out and should go to the chiropractor. Yes, I nodded, took a muscle relaxer and went to bed. I followed up that advice with two nights of carrying sleeping children from car to bed and a trip to Costco. A trip to Costco which included about 40 pounds of meat.

I imagine the formula goes something like this:
2(35) + 2(35) + 40 = MY BACK IS KILLING ME!!!!

I have a 3:30 appointment with the chiropractor.

**************

Remember when I casually mentioned last week that 5 years old was kicking my butt? Well, it still is. Saturday was especially rough. Tom went into work and it was just me and them. They apparently don't want to be siblings anymore because they repeatedly tried to kill each other. However, they must not have wanted it badly enough because they didn't move from the couch when I commanded them to go to the middle of the living room and beat each other up so we could just get it over with already.

C'mon, I'm just kidding.

Or, am I?

Luckily, their friend Callum desperately wanted them for a playdate and his mother generously suggested that Tom and I make a run for it. We didn't even ask, really, are you sure?

We went shopping which is so much more fun when you don't have to mediate arguments between children. We even managed to find curtains for the living room (FINALLY!) and new decorative pillows! And, thanks to a heads up by Kelly Clarke (thanks Kelly) we saved $50 because of the friends and family coupon! Or, the pessimist might say we spent $300 that we wouldn't have spent otherwise (thanks Kelly). In any case, I'm very excited to put up my new curtains just as soon as I can lift my arms above my head.

After our shopping excursion, we decided to really take advantage of our free time and went to see The Dark Knight. It was really good but it might have contributed to the back issue because it was so intense that I kept having to sink down in my seat, cover my eyes and grasp Tom's arm firmly - only to sit back up again when things lightened up a little. I walked out of that theater with shaky knees and not just because of the way Christian Bale fills out that batman suit.

Finally, we headed back to Callum's house to pick up the boys. Lucky for us (and future free, I mean, playdates), the report was that the boys were really easy, had a great time and it was almost easier having the 3 of them than it would have been to have just Callum. It looks like we have more "playdates" in our future.

The next day, with the exception of a few minutes in Costco, the boys were really good.

This is a phase, right? When they turn 6 they'll be lots of fun again, right?

Free Association

Five years old is kicking my butt. Today I found myself thinking wistfully of the baby stage. Maybe it's because two of our closest friends just had babies.

Could I please stop self editing? Holy hell it's driving me crazy. Constantly going back, delete, delete, delete. Rephrase. No wonder I'm feeling creatively blocked!

I'm feeling creatively blocked. I compose posts in my head all the time - on the way to work/school, on the way home, as I'm falling asleep at night, as I'm washing my hair in the shower. A constant stream of words go through my head and, in my head, they sound fantastic. But by the time I finally get a chance to put them down on paper - the words escape me and I find myself hovering over the delete key more than anything else. It's making me nuts. The words are there.

Then I stop what I'm writing and re-read what I've written. Why? I don't know. I wish I could write what's in my head. It sounds so much better there. Oh, gotta go flip the chicken. Nope, not ready yet. Maybe if I just brainstorm? Free, free, free - what is that expression? freestyle? no freemind? no what is it? god, that's going to bug me. free association. Thank goodness I figured that out.

So what is this post about? My stifled creativity or how 5 year olds are kicking my ass? Let's first start with the stifled creativity. So, I'm constantly composing posts in my head - we've covered that. Then, by the time I sit down to write I'm too tired. By then, it's 10:00pm and I'm bone tired without a creative trickle left, let alone a stream. I also long to start reading again. You know, great books, great fiction, great non-fiction. Great writers. But I don't have time. I don't have time to seek out great work and, if I had something great to read, I'd fall asleep by page 5. Instead, I read blogs. Tom wonders what I'm doing whenever I have the computer on my lap. I feel stupid saying "reading blogs" but it's what I like to do. I'm sure he wonders what I find so fascinating about other peoples' lives - people I've never met. But, some of them are brilliant writers and I always feel like my soul is a little nourished when I read something beautiful, something thoughtful or brilliant. I crave that.

I'm sitting here looking at my bare walls and I so badly want to fill them but am waiting to be inspired. By what? I don't know. I want to put something up that makes sense, that suits us, our home, our lives. I want art but don't know what kind. Photography? Prints? What? Pictures of family? It drives Tom crazy that we haven't put anything up yet but I don't want to just throw something up on the walls just to cover them.

Then I see something in a magazine - a cool cabinet with carefully, thoughtfully collected mementos and inside my head whines "i want that".

I used to hate quiet. I always turned the TV on even if I didn't watch it, just to have some noise. Now, I long for quiet. It soothes me. I love leaving the lights off in the house with just one light on, just one pool of light that casts shadows into the living room or hallway. I can breathe.

Tomorrow I'll probably hate the fact that I wrote this. Will wrestle internally with uncertainty - should I leave it up or take it off? I could make it private. Do I care? Is it part of me? Does it deserve to be shared? Would anyone benefit? Does it matter?

Will it hurt anyone? That's the most important question. Only me. Will it?

I love my life. I just wish I had more time to nourish my soul.

Catalina Island

Of course I went! And I fully intend to do it again next year. It was awesome!

I needn't have worried about the boat. It was a big boat, the water was smooth and the boys did just fine. I brought along some freshly grated ginger and whenever I felt slightly uneasy, I ate a pinch of ginger and it calmed the waves (of nausea).

We didn't spend much time in the town of Avalon but just headed right for the beach. The kids frolicked in the waves and I took pictures. The water was cold but once they got in, they were just fine. After a few hours of beach play and lunch, we headed over to the cove so the older kids could go snorkeling. Jack and Dean both said they wanted to snorkel but we couldn't get Dean to go down the steps. He stayed with Amanda instead. Jack insisted he wanted to go but only with me. So, I got into the water (FREEZING!!) and held onto him while he came in. The combination of the cold water, floating kelp brushing his feet, slippery algae on the steps, the too-large snorkel mask and the darkness and depth of the water was too much for him though, and he got very scared. I put him back up on the step and one of the older kids walked him back up the steps and wrapped a towel around him. He was worried about me so he stayed at the top of the steps and watched me snorkel until I finally climbed out after 20 minutes. I don't fault him for freaking out. That water was cold and it's very disconcerting to navigate behind a snorkel mask. But, I'm hoping that they'll do it next year when we go back because the fish are spectacular and I know they'll want to see it. I don't much like breathing through that tube though. Made me hyperventilate.

The only stress-inducing moment was when the 18 of us had to sprint to make the 3:00 ferry. We made it with just a couple of minutes to spare. I wouldn't have minded being stranded on Catalina for another couple of hours though. It was real purty.

I'll put up a couple of pictures as soon as I can figure out why Blogger is sending me error messages.

Summer Days

It's crazy this week. So busy at work that I just have time to rush into my office, check voice mail, glance at email, groan at the expanding list of unread, prep for the next meeting, rush out to pick up the boys. I promised myself that tonight I would leave work at the office and be completely in the moment when I picked them up. It didn't start off so well. They're grumpy after a long day of frolicking in the surf, making sand castles and chasing the tide. Later this week they're going on a day trip to Catalina Island.

Yeah, their daycare rocks.

Still, it's a long day for a couple of five year olds and I usually bear the brunt. Tonight was no different and by the time we got home, everyone was scowling. So much for in the moment.
To diffuse the tension, I busied myself in the kitchen while they settled in to watch a little noggin. They watched, I cooked and everyone settled down. I finished up dinner and told them to go wash up. They didn't make a move. I figured they fell asleep but no, Dean wouldn't go to the bathroom by himself and Jack was just laying on the couch with his face in his hands. I asked again for them to go wash hands and then Jack looked at me and told me he was scared. I sat down on the couch, bundled him up in my arms and asked what he was afraid of.

He's afraid of the boat. And that's how I found myself in the strange position of ignoring my own fears in order to reassure my child. Naturally, I've been wrestling with this trip to Catalina. They have an hour long drive to the port followed by an hour long ferry ride to the island. Once on island, they'll play on the beach, have some lunch, do a little snorkeling and walk around the little town before they hop back on the ferry and head back to the mainland. It will be an amazing, unforgettable day for them and I don't want them to miss it -- despite my own irrational fears. But Jackie's afraid that the boat is going to tip over and that there are sharks in the water.

What? I wasn't afraid of sharks. At least, not until he mentioned them.

Luckily, Tom arrived just a few minutes later and he talked about how safe the boat is, that Amanda would never let them do something that was dangerous. Somehow, it's more believable when Daddy says it.

My schedule seems kind of light on Friday. Maybe I'll take the day off.

I hear Catalina Island is beautiful this time of year.

El Capitan

The boys posed w/ Mickey outside of the El Capitan theater today.

Lunch

Right now, yes this very minute, sitting in front of me on a festive orange and fuschia plate is a chunk of fresh italian bread, a handful of kalamata olives, a chunk of fresh mozzarella and the most beautiful, delicately sliced prosciutto. And, just for kicks 'cos I'm crazy like that, I just poured some gorgeous extra virgin olive oil into a bowl so I could dip my bread into it.

I really would make a very good Italian.

Twin Bond

They held hands today on the way to school.

After a morning of name calling and numerous pronouncements of meanness.

They always find some way to reconnect.

Project Support Beauty in Nature

I don't think I ever posted an update on how I am doing regarding doing my part to clean up the earth. In my past post about this topic (link to follow later as I'm typing this on my crackberry while I wait for my car to be smog checked) I intended to put dispopsable gloves in my car so I would always have a sanitary way to pick up trash (I didn't though). I also planned to pick up trash every monday when I took Kate to the park (I didn't though and stopped going to the park w/ any regularity). I think I also planned to have a monthly family outing in which the sole purpose was to pick up trash (we didn't though).
You might wonder then, just what have I done? Well, I stopped buying paper napkins - we now use only cloth. I am slowly trying to wean myself off the paper towels. I started collecting the little plastic produce bags and I re-use them when I go to the farmer's market. I parked the SUV and am now driving the sedan because it gets better gas mileage. I started saving the little green baskets that berries and tomatoes come in and I return them to the farmer's market when I go shopping. When I go to target and I only have a few items (rare, but still) I ask them to hold the bag. I have always re-used my paper bags and I continue to do so. I pack fresh foods in re-usable containers in the boys lunches and they have re-usable water bottles (not disposable arrowhead bottles). I also put in cloth napkins and silverware instead of plasticware.
I also started engaging the boys in conversation about conservation, particularly after seeing wall-e which is partly about an uninhabitable earth. I was impressed with how much they already know both from our own practice and from earth day education at school.
There is much left to do but this is a good, sustainable start.

What are you doing?

Dean's Breakthrough

I don't know what the trigger was - being with the big kids at school? - but Dean had a breakthrough today and that kid swam.
And swam.
And swam.

He swam the length of P 'n J's pool with a small break in the middle for a breath. He jumped off the side into the deep end without hesitation, popped to the surface and swam to me in the middle of the pool. He did a cannonball. He dove for superhero diving buddies. He practiced falling into the pool, turning himself around and swimming to the side. He practiced that over and over. He swam in that pool nonstop for a solid hour.

And then, he slept.
And slept.
And slept.

Summer camp

The daycare does a full summer program every year for returning schoolkids. Since Jack and Dean are entering kindergarten in the fall they were promoted into the schoolage program with the big kids. That means they don't take naps and they have to keep up with the big kids. It's great experience for them as they navigate the hierarchy and I'm completely comfortable with it knowing that most of these kids have been attending the daycare since they were babies so they are almost as patient and kind as the teachers. Every day this week when I've arrived to take them home, Jack is playing with the big kids - mostly basketball or he takes turns on the big kids' diez - and Dean is playing with the girls or Frank and James. No naps though is taking a toll - they are exhausted by the time we get home. They have that "summer" look - bloodshot eyes, skin still shining with sunscreen, cheeks flushed with heat and exertion. They're too tired to eat, too tired to put their shoes/clothes/lunch boxes away, too tired to go to bed. And it isn't just the lack of naptime that has them so beat - it's all the activities! They went swimming Monday and Tuesday, went to the lake for swimming and castle building yesterday, and rollerskating today. The rest of the summer is equally busy. There's piano and recorder lessons for those interested, trips to the beach for camping, disneyland, catalina island, movies, and swimming every day. Of course there's also the restaurant week in July when the kids create the menu, do the shopping, cooking, serving, take reservations, etc. The end of the summer potluck BBQ will be a bittersweet day - truly Jack and Dean's last day at the daycare (except they'll return each summer) but the kids put on a show and I'll be smiling through my tears.

And that's all I can do, really. Give them guidance but give them room to grow, watch as they try to make their way, give encouragement and advice but ultimately get out of their way. Then stand from the sidelines and be proud - smiling through my tears.

Dean

Fell asleep in the car on the way home. Summer camp is really kicking his butt!

June 25, 2008

On our way back from Yellowstone in 1998, Tom and I talked about marriage. He asked me why I wanted to get married and, even then after 8 years of being together I was guarded, afraid to let too much of myself out. My response, if I remember correctly, was that I wanted legitimacy. Wow, that’s sexy. Romantic, too. Hard to believe he didn’t drop down on one knee right then and there.

Remarkably though, he did drop down on one knee just a few months later and just six months after that we were exchanging I Dos in the clearing of a forest overlooking Lake Tahoe, smiling at each other as the sun streamed down between the branches.

If he were to ask me today why I wanted to get married my response would be this:

Because I am in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to watch you become a dad and fall more in love with you every day. And I want everyone else to know that you are the one I choose. I want to stand up in front of our family and closest friends and declare that you are the man of my dreams, the one I will love and cherish for the rest of my life. That is why I want to get married.

Our wedding day was filled with laughter and emotion, not unlike our life together. And here we are 9 years later and I'm happier than I ever dreamed I could be.

An excerpt from a poem read at our wedding:

It Couldn't Be Done
Somebody said it couldn’t be done,
But he with a chuckle replied
That ‘maybe it couldn’t,’ but he would be one
Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing and he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.
~Edgar Guest

Happy Anniversary my love.

Kelsi

Milestones . . . of a sort

As we pulled up to daycare this morning:

Jack: Oh! James is here!

Dean: And Frank?! Is Frank here too?

Both boys scramble to unlatch seat belts and jump out of the car. They both start waving madly and yelling HI JAMES!!!

James: Hi Jack. Hi Dean.

Dean: (with a look of amazement) I can't believe he remembered me.



Oh, the reverence for the 6 year old Kindergarten graduate.

Another Kate Update

She has gained 4 pounds in a week.

Buy stock in Alpo.

Preschool on TV

Noggin, a kid's TV network, has an ad campaign that likens it's network of shows to being like pre-school. "It's like pre-school on TV", it boasts. In other ads it is suggested that everyone wishes their day was structured like pre-school. There would be naps after lunch and storytime!

Clearly the ad men behind that campaign have never been in the car when two pre-schoolers were having an argument about whether boogers taste good or gross.

A Father's Gift

Fathers get a bit of a bum rap these days, right? I mean, look at any sitcom and you’ll find a lovable but bumbling dad, somehow managing to barrel through family life despite seeming somewhat, well, dim. Meanwhile, the mom is managing the household and holding down her full time job, picking up after the kids and, of course, cleaning up the dad’s mistakes all within the allotted 22 minutes.

What? I’m not saying it doesn’t represent reality.

But seriously, it’s generally the case that the mom knows just exactly how many teaspoons of Tylenol to give to a sick child (or, in the case of a certain set of twins, which child only responds to Tylenol and which one only responds to Motrin – guess right in the comments and you might win a prize). The mom is more likely the one who will hire the babysitter, fill out the school applications, and plan the birthday party (or RSVP as the case may be). We are the organizers, the task masters, the list keepers and underwear washers.

So what then is the Father’s gift? You’ll find it in the quiet moments. It’s not so visible; not so full of sighs and responsibility. It’s the patience in the voice of a man who is showing his son how to string fishing line and attach a bobber. It’s the look of awe that crosses his face when his son shows him the caterpillar, the moth, or the june bug that he found. It is heard at night through the crack in the door as he tells stories to his children in the dark. It is in the unconventional approach whether it is watching planes move across the sky instead of telling a bedtime story or taking a late night stroll to calm an upset babe. Dads care about experiences, memories, journeys – they don’t care if the shirt matches the pants or that the child needs a haircut. They let the kids stain the cabinet even if it means the color is uneven. They let the kids drive the boat because it’s in the middle of an empty lake and the kids will never forget how big they felt. They take the kids camping where they get to stoke the fire and feel like big kids as they look at the stars and tell stories around the campfire. Theirs is a unique gift – not so celebrated, but no less important.

On this Father’s day, I am so grateful to have a partner who ignores my worried looks and lets the kids drive the boat, who calmly and patiently packs up his fishing gear after having his line in for only 15 minutes, who encourages me to go away for a weekend, who quietly adds favorite movies to our tivo just to surprise me and the boys, who loves watching the basketball game with his sons cheering right along with him, who can’t wait for soccer games and t-ball, who is honestly the most wonderful man I could have chosen.

Happy Father’s Day.

Balloon Festival

Here are some shots from our weekend at the balloon festival.

The boys get in one of the baskets.

Jack watches the balloon get fired up from a safe distance.

Dean gets a lift from his dad.

The girls get in the balloon.

Tom lends a hand.

Sunday we went to a local lake and rented a little fishing boat.
Dean did his share of driving.

Not surprisingly, Jack loved to drive.

In other news, the boys got into the elementary school that I was hoping for (yippee!) so that's one less thing to worry about.

Don't worry, I'll find something else to fixate on soon.

Kate Update

She is recovering well. She came home on Saturday, picked up by my friend and neighbor Kelly while we were at the hot air balloon festival. She takes her oral medication like a champ. My old dog Max was never fooled by mozzarella cheese or peanut butter and I'd always find his pill lying in a slobbery puddle on the floor. Kate, on the other hand, loves people food of every variety and is so excited to eat it that she couldn't care less about what you try to sneak by her.
I've been adding some wet food to her dry and she gobbles it up voraciously. It seems she had been suffering from this disease for a long time and we thought she was just a picky eater.
I brushed her last night while the boys watched the basketball game (Go Celtics!) and she was so happy.
Speaking of the boys, I can't tell you how amazing it is to be sitting in my backyard in the darkening twilight brushing my sweet, devoted dog and hear these sudden bursts of emotion and cheer ringing out of the living room. It's how I'd always hoped my life would be.
Sweet and simple, full of love.

Kate

Our beautiful girl has been in the hospital since yesterday morning. Her behavior suddenly got very strange on Wednesday and we took her to the vet yesterday. She was lethargic and disoriented and completely pooped out after just a short walk around the neighborhood. It turns out, after extensive testing, that she has Addison's Disease. Her sodium level was too low, potassium too high and according to the lab results she has no cortisone in her blood. She is on an IV drip now to replenish her fluids and she received a shot of prednisone and cortisone. She will be able to come home tomorrow and will recover fully but will need ongoing medical care with monthly cortisone shots and oral medication every other day.