Reflections

Dear Jack and Dean,

I woke up a couple nights ago and couldn't fall back asleep. I went out and read for a bit, finally felt a little sleepy, and went back into bed. Guilt strikes at the strangest times -- most often at night when my world is calm and peaceful; the dichotomy of the dark, still night against my racing mind. Uncomfortable memories invade; times when I spoke too harshly or lost my patience over something trivial. Instead of pushing away the pain, I invite it in and go further back in my memory to when you were infants and I was an overwhelmed new mother.

It wasn't what I expected when I was pregnant.

It wasn't what I expected when I would visit you in the NICU those first few days and weeks. When you were too tiny to even touch because the stimulation was too much.

It wasn't what I expected when I brought you home with the monitors and medication.

When I was in the hosital visualizing what it would be like to have my two infant sons at home with me, I didn't see monitors attached to your chests or small vials of medications waiting in the refrigerator. I never imagined you being premature.

I find it interesting that these emotions come up two weeks before Mother's Day. A reminder that we're all human and that no matter how hard we try, we'll make mistakes and it's ok. The realization that the same feelings of inadequacy that I felt, the same overwhelming pressure to be perfect is universal to all Moms ( and probably Dads too but I'll let them fend for themselves).

Having you has changed me in ways I never could have imagined.

Watching you learn and grow, seeing your personalities develop, is a gift I didn't expect.

I love you.

Momma