Conflict Resolution

I have adopted a new conflict resolution process in my household. Whenever there is conflict, and let's be honest here it's usually between the small ones, each person must come to the table and tell his side of the story. While one is talking, the other must listen and not interrupt. Then the talker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the talker. Once each person has told his side of the story, the mediator (usually me) asks how can we solve this problem? I then turn to each and ask what do they need from the other in order to resolve this conflict. Generally, they each say they need an apology. When they've told me what they need, I tell them they have their solution and it's up to them to carry it out. Once they've carried it out, I tell them this conflict is now resolved and it's time to move on and forget about it.

During this morning's conflict, Jack interrupted Dean while he was telling his side of the story and I reprimanded Jack and reminded him that he has to listen to Dean's point of view. Jack stomped away from the table and threw himself face down on the couch. I went into the living room and told him that this is no way to resolve a conflict. The only way to resolve a conflict is to sit down with the other person and talk it out. You can't solve problems by running away or burying your face in the pillows. You have to come back to the table so we can keep talking this out and so you can have a say in what the solution will be. He sat up and calmly walked back to the table. Dean finished telling his side of the story and I asked him what he needed. He said he needed an apology from Jack. I asked Jack what he needed and he said he needed an apology from Dean. They each said they were sorry and then looked at me. I congratulated them on talking it out and successfully solving their problem. They smiled and I told them that we move on from here, this is now over. And we went on about our morning, peacefully.

Will this work every time? Probably not. I'm sure there will be times when one or the other won't give in, won't give what the other needs. And I guess we'll have to keep talking when that happens. There will be times when a compromise is in order and it may take extra time to figure out what that compromise will be. Maybe there will be times when we won't be able to resolve the conflict right away and we'll have to pick up the discussion at a later date. Maybe they'll learn how to resolve the small disputes on their own and I'll only have to step in on the big ones. I don't know.

I do know that they will have to face conflict often in their lives and I hope that this is just one small step towards equipping them with the tools that they'll need to be able to manage conflict without resorting to name calling, threats, physical violence and bullying. Because if that's your only reaction to conflict, no one is interested in coaxing you to the table.

Where to Begin?

To say we've been busy is to vastly understate it.

This is the last week of my Mondo Beyondo class. The first week was absolute heaven but life has interfered since then and I haven't devoted the time, energy and focus to it like I wanted to. It's okay because the lessons will still be there after the 5 weeks is over so I can do them when I can really spend time on them. At the same time it's a little disappointing because I had so hoped to have some sort of magnificent revelation about myself and my biggest dreams. No such revelation yet. Although, I found myself saying something out loud the other day that I've only really dreamt about so maybe it's working on the most subconscious of levels.

This Friday and Saturday I will be participating in an Inspired Work program with 5 other lucky people. Carolyn (my old boss) did this same program in October and came away from it completely energized, excited and focused. I'm hoping for the same. Then Saturday night we (my handsome spouse and I) will be attending the Princess and the Frog wrap party. Sunday is gloriously open on our calendar and I will be protecting that time with all the ferocity of a lioness protecting her cubs.

Yesterday I took the boys to the doctor to get their seasonal flu vaccines and the h1n1 vaccine. The waiting room was full of sickly looking children bundled up in blankets with bed head, sniffly noses and hacking coughs. I signed us in and then promptly asked to move to the infant area where the healthy people can wait for their turn. We moved to a room pretty quickly where Jack suddenly started complaining of a headache. I touched him and he felt warm. Glassy eyes were noted. The nurse took his temp and it was normal but he wasn't looking good to me. I waited until the last second and then decided not to give him the h1n1 (they were out of seasonal flu vaccs). Dean took his shot like a trooper - didn't even cry. He was so brave. We left there and headed to the school where I dropped off Dean. I checked Jack's temp when we got home and it was 100.2 degrees. So glad I went with my gut on that one. This came on so fast with him. He was fine when he woke up but when he complains of a headache, it usually means he has a fever coming on. It came down quickly with a dose of tylenol and we've been cycling through medication ever since. He's home again today and feels fine as long as he has the medicine in him. I hope this cycles through soon and he can go back to school tomorrow. Dean hasn't caught it so far.

I tested last Saturday for my next belt level and my friend Priscilla was in attendance to witness it. She took lots of pictures which she's going to put on a disk and she took video of my sparring. As soon as I get it I'll post the video here and maybe a few pictures too. I had a great test, despite my nervousness. I get so nerved up for the tests. I know all my technique but there's something about being there on the mat in front of the masters and grandmaster that gets my adrenaline pumping. I have to learn to control that before my black belt test because all that tension is exhausting and the black belt test is a two day test. I don't want to waste my energy on needless tension.

I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. Studio is closed for 4 days so my email can't stack up. Four days of relaxing with my family and friends, eating good food, drinking good wine. We have plans on the day of and the Saturday after and I think I'm going to keep the other days open so we can just relax. I need time to breathe and think.

Work is going as fine as it can be, I guess. It's a little weird being in meetings discussing processes which once implemented will likely make my job obsolete but I'm doing my best to remain positive and helpful.

The boys are turning 7 in just a couple of weeks. How is that possible? I vacillate between being completely in love with them one moment and then wanting to throttle them the next. They are by turns loving, hateful, affectionate, pouty, excited, bored, maddening, intoxicating - sometimes within 5 minutes. Their reading comprehension is growing exponentially as is their spelling ability. Dean is struggling with math and Jack struggles with his printing. Jack just needs to take his time and one of these days I swear I'm going to hear a clicking sound when working with Dean on his math problems. Until then, I need to stay as patient as possible even when I have to explain how to reach the sum of 9 + 5 for the 100th time. I've managed to stay relatively organized despite the mountain of papers that come home each day. I like both of their teachers and think they are in the right classes.

That's enough for now, right?

History and a Trip

I was too overwhelmed and thrilled to write anything Tuesday night. Wednesday morning I was still in awe, still consumed with reading everyone else's accounting of where they were and how they felt when it was announced that Barack Obama had won the election. I sat down to write something during lunch on Wednesday but I still didn't have the words. And the truth is, I still don't have the words. For nearly two years I have hoped that he would be our next president. But until Tuesday night I didn't really believe it could happen. It has though, it really has and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Other things I'm grateful for this week:

• health insurance which allows me to go to the doctor when I'm sick
• cough syrup with codeine
• antibiotics
  
• a sweet home made card from Jack
• sleeping in until 10am on a Sunday
• some nice one on one time with Dean
• Tom's delicious home made beef stew
• leftover halloween candy

There's more but I am numb and I can't remember anything. I think now I will go pour myself a teaspoonful of cough syrup and slip into my cozy bed and fall into a deep codeine-induced slumber - per the doctor's orders.

See you on the other side.

An Accounting and Gratitude

Well the month of October passed by with very little action on my little blog with the exception of a few polarizing, political posts. I will be so glad when this election is over. These last few weeks I've struggled with writing. I've started new posts many times and then I just don't finish them. I was bored with my own writing so I could only imagine how my readers were feeling. Yawn. Plus, I really missed reading. A book, not a blog. I resisted it for a while. I told myself I didn't have time and tried to satisfy the yearning with blogs. It worked for a week or so and then I finally, desperately, looked at my stack of books on the night stand (most of which are heavy, difficult reading - not what I was looking for) and picked up "Peyton Place". I fell into it immediately and for a week I couldn't put it down. Funny enough, just a couple days after I finally gave into my craving for a good read my friend Caroline gave me "Eat, Pray, Love", my friend Kathleen gave me 2 great magazines and a book on Buddhism, my friend Paul gave me the script his sister wrote, and my friend Tanja gave me a glossy food magazine she brought back from London. Thus, a stack of unexplored reading material just waiting for me to have a moment to spare. Funny how the universe gives you what you need, just when you need it.

Anyway, looking back over what I've written here lately I feel like I've been whiny, tired, uninspired, ungrateful, even a little angry. Yesterday, I kept thinking of things that I was thankful for - it wasn't something I planned to do, it was completely spontaneous and when I wrote them all down here, I felt so good afterwards. It reminded me that it is so important to give thanks, to appreciate everything - all the small things, the sweet things, to be grateful for what refreshes us, invigorates us, emboldens us, inspires us. I hope I can keep it up.

Today I am grateful for:

• daylight savings time which allowed me to stay up late last night to watch "All About Eve"
• to Jack and Dean for managing to stay in bed until 6:30am (adjusted for dst)
• a playdate with Sophia and Bianca and a delicious brunch prepared by their parents
• my voice, raspy but still there despite all the coughing, coughing, coughing
• a rousing soccer practice with Dean and Jack in which Dean scored many goals and went straight for the ball!
• a clean living room and semi-clean kitchen
• daylight savings time again which means the boys will fall asleep early (Jack's gone already)
• more rain that fell during the night that cleaned the streets and freshened the air
• my patience which nearly ran its course tonight after dinner but didn't
• my temper which stayed in check all weekend, despite being tested repeatedly
• Jack who wanted to help me sweep, cook and clean and who never hesitates to ask for more candy
• Dean who got along so well with his friends today and who showed me more sweet than fiery this weekend
• that this is the last night of solo parenting - Tom will be home tomorrow (YAY)

Transitions

This transition from preschool to kindergarten is harder than I thought it would be. And now that I re-read that, because of course I'm re-reading it I can't ever stop self editing, it isn't so much the transition from preschool work to kindergarten work that is difficult. It's the transition from a small, intimate caregiving situation to a large scale, institutional caretaking situation that I'm having a hard time with. I remember my friend Lisa worrying when her son Frank was about to enter kindergarten, not about the work and whether he'd be able to keep up, but rather she was worried that he wouldn't be loved or valued for the unique, special boy that he is. I find myself worried about the same thing. I know they are capable of the work, I know they have the fine motor skills for writing and I'm not worried about them learning how to read or tie their shoes. I know those skills will come in time. Instead, I wonder if Dean's teacher finds him charming and sweet or thinks he's too mouthy and disruptive. I am also more worried about Dean than Jack which is a little surprising to me. I was concerned that Jack would have a hard time being separated from Dean. I reasoned that Dean is so independent and just as happy to play on his own as not and figured that he would get along fine. And he is and the surprise is that Jack is fine being on his own. Which is great! So why am I obsessing?

Because I have no direct connection to either of their teachers and I feel out of the loop about how they are managing the work, the rules, and mostly the change from the organic and holistic philosophy to an institutional one.

I do like their school and everyday when I arrive, they ask for 5 more minutes so they are clearly enjoying their after-school care.

I know this is good for them. I know this experience is less traumatic for them than it is for me. I know that learning to navigate in this larger environment will provide the building blocks for their ability to manage change in their future. I know, I know.

Somehow I have to resolve myself to this new phase of our lives and embrace the challenges.

I'm working on it.

Patience Please

Nope. You'll have to wait a bit longer for the pictures of the final outcome of the kitchen project. We still have a few more things to put away. I'm shooting for Saturday. Pictures on Saturday and maybe I'll post on Sunday morning. So, stay tuned.
Tonight's entry is a public exhalation. A virtual sigh, if you will. An acknowledgment that the last few weeks have been really tough but I'm on the other side of it. Ironically, not because of the kitchen but rather other problems that I've had to work out in my head. Don't worry, everything's fine. The family is great, life is good - even with the construction and the chaos. It's just that sometimes, there are things that you need to work out in your own head. And your partner or you friend can listen to you and even offer advice but ultimately, you're the one who has to decide how you want to handle your problem. And that's where I've been. One of my new favorite slogans is "everything is a passing memory". Nothing is permanent. The pain or anger or frustration that I was feeling was a passing memory - it's already gone. And every time the fear popped up in my mind, I reminded myself that it was simply a passing memory and the anxiety faded. So, this post is all about me feeling at peace with myself and my newfound tool for redirecting my focus so I can let go of the things that weigh me down.
Everything is a passing memory. My new mantra.

Six Steps and a Long Term Goal

As I promised here, I am outlining today what I plan to do in response to Lotus' challenge to contribute to the cleaning up of the planet (or at least my tiny part of it).

1. I will keep a trash bag and gloves in my car so I never have an excuse to not pick up trash when I see it.
2. I will walk a lap around the track after my run in the morning and pick up all the trash I see.
3. I will continue buying my fruits and vegetables from local farmers at my Farmer's Market.
4. I will make a conscious effort to buy other grocery items (such as meat and dairy) from within a 100 mile radius of where I live.
   
5. I will use those cool mesh bags for my produce that I saw here.
6. Once a month, I will take the boys to the park/beach/hiking and pick up trash while they play.
7. I have a long term goal to grow a vegetable garden so I can be somewhat self-sustaining but it may have to wait for a different yard.

I think that's a good start, right?

Hidden Costs

of a kitchen remodel:

Thursday
Millies = $48.00

Friday
Hot's Cantina = $36.00
Penguins = $12.00

Saturday
Starbucks = $8.00
Jamba Juice = $14.00
Sizzler = $30.00

Sunday
Starbucks = $8.00
KFC = $30.00

Monday
Parking at Citywalk = $5.00
Nameless Pizza Place = $20.00
Movie Tickets = $37.00

Ultimately, the cost to our health is probably worse than the pain in our wallets. I can't wait to cook in my new kitchen!!

Holy Gutted Kitchen Batman!

One Step for Nature

When you get a chance, go read this post by Lotus of SarcasticMom. Look for my post on February 11th that will outline the contribution I intend to make to Project Support Beauty in Nature.

What will you do?

Grumblers

After the boys opened a few presents yesterday morning, I spent the next 2 hours preparing sandwiches for the party. I managed a 5 minute shower and then packed the car while Tom was out buying balloons and party favors. We headed over to the park to meet the bounce house guy with 70+ cupcakes, bags of chips, cases of soda, water, juice, a helium tank, balloons, balls, vegetable platters, fruit plates, pinatas, and, of course, plates and napkins. I had my permit from the city, just in case. Mom was in charge of bathing the boys, getting them dressed and bringing them to the party.

We got to the party and there was the sign on Section 2 with my name on it. There was also the Persian mafia camped out on the best picnic tables in the area. Immediately, my blood starting boiling. I paid for this park. First, Tom and I just walked around the picnic tables, looking around and glancing over at the squatters every now and then. Eventually, we approached them and told them that we had rented the section and that they would need to leave. And then they just said oh, we're so sorry, we didn't know and they packed up their stuff and left.

Yeah, right.

Of course they argued! Despite the permit I held in my sweaty hand, despite the sign which clearly proclaimed that I, Kelsi ...... had rented the section and that all picnic tables (all 30 of them) were for the exclusive use of my group from 7:00am until dusk. They still argued and puffed their cigarettes and the more they argued, the more my blood boiled and I so just wanted to call the park ranger or my friend the cop and kick them out. But, my husband is good cop and above all, wanted to quit wasting time on this and get our party set up. And, he's generous so he told them that they could stay, even though we had exclusive right to the entire area, we would allow them to have their gathering but they had to move from the best picnic tables. They grumbled a bit and spoke to each other in a language I don't understand, and then I said to Tom, so, should I call the city? And they looked at us and grumbled some more and then Tom said, well we need to set up our party so I'm going to move your stuff for you while you figure out what area you're going to set up in. And they grumbled and puffed on their cigarettes and spoke their language and I got on the phone with my friend Peter and went over to my car and made a big show of being pissed off while I carried supplies over to the tables. One of the grumblers left in a smoky huff, one of the grumblers good-naturedly helped Tom, and the one with the red tattoo of a cross on his forehead glowered at us while he puffed away.

They eventually ended up at the far end of the picnic area which was just perfect for me.

It didn't stop their bratty kids from trying to get in my bounce house while they cast sidelong glances in my direction. I didn't have to worry about it, though.

The kids just told them they weren't invited.

I'm Sorry

First of all, let me apologize for the half-hearted, lame post of yesterday. I know I disappointed my most loyal readers (Eddie) and for that, I am genuinely sorry.

Let me make it up to you today by showing you this:



That's Daddy's "Special Hat" lovingly made by Dean. In the last picture, Dean is singing to him. It goes a little something like this:

Daddy has a special hat
special hat
special hat
Daddy has a special hat
'cuz he's a special guy.

He wore the hat last night as he ate dinner and promised Dean that he would wear it today on the train. My kingdom for a picture of that!

Anyway, I have no excuse for last night's lame post other than it got late and so I phoned it in - literally. And, I accidentally sent before I was done. So, what I meant to say last night was . . .
the boys are completely oblivious to the fact that their Grandma is at this very moment flying across the great plains and due to arrive around 4pm. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces!

I also wanted to mention our new tradition. I've mentioned before that Dean's giving us a little run for our money. It's all or nothing with him - he's either 100% sweetness and light or 100% dark spirit. He's committed, I'll give him that. Lately, he's been a little mean. Quick to anger and lash out without trying to resolve conflict by talking it through or asking for help. I realize some of this is due to his age and that, to some degree, this behavior is normal. However, he's quick to use his fists and quick to call people names and that is completely unacceptable. So, I've really been focusing on getting him to use his words, giving him examples, explaining to him how hurtful it is to say "I don't like you" instead of "I didn't like what you did". Still, it's a constant battle. My adult brain just doesn't understand why I have to keep repeating this over and over. It's teaching me patience all right but he's the one that needs the lesson most, I think. Back to our new tradition - last night at dinner I suggested that when we're gathered together we should go around the table and say what we like about each person at the table. I went first.
Dean, I really like the way you sing.
Jack, I really like the way you whistle.

Then it was Dean's turn.
Mom, I really like when you buy me yogurt.
Jack, I really like the way you share.

Then, Jack's turn.
Mom, I really like when you buy me yogurt. (Original, that one)
Dean, I really like your stories.

So, you see what I bring to the table. Clearly, they're only keeping me around for the dairy products. Some things never change.

Let the Games Begin!

Um Kelsi?
It's the daycare.
Jack has a fever of 100.1 and Dean just threw up.

Happy Friday.

Sick Day

Jack is sick today so I'm staying home with him. He's acting fine but he had a fever that started last night and lasted throughout the night. Dean is staying home, too but he's not really sick. He was coughing a lot last night but that's probably partly due to the Santa Ana winds that are whooshing through the valley.
Even illness manifests differently in these guys. For instance, Jack just acts very tired and sluggish when he's sick. His cheeks flush slightly, his eyes darken and get glassy and he always complains that he has a headache. He loses his appetite (unless it's dessert) and just wants to lay down. Last night, he only had a few bites of rice and some butterscotch pudding. Of course, during the day he was fine. He helped Tom trim the rosemary bush and played football with me.
Dean, on the other hand, wilts the second he doesn't feel well. He can't hide it at all. Heat radiates off him, he falls apart at every little thing, and he cries a lot.

I'm hoping that Jack's fever stays away and Dean's cough doesn't get any worse so we can be back to our regular routine tomorrow.

Keep your fingers crossed.

False Alarm?

When I picked up the boys yesterday, Dean was happily playing with the girls - B, her twin sister S and their friend E. When we were in the car and about to drive away, the twin girls were walking to their car with their dad. I lowered the windows so the boys could say goodbye and the girls waved back and yelled "We love you!".

Dean's ego has been saved.

NaBloPoMo

That's me committing to posting every single day in the month of November.

Every.Single.Day.

I promise you that by December you will be so sick of reading about what I ate for lunch that you'll be begging me to never do this again.

Swear.

Oh the wailing

Last night Tom put the boys to bed. He readied their toothbrushes, read the books, did the requisite chatting, then said good-night.
Then the wailing started. Dean, over and over and over, "Daaaaaaddddeeeeeeee". Repeat. Again.
Next, Jack comes out complaining because Dean called him a name. I told him that Dean was just cranky (totally bipolar last night) and he should just ignore him. He goes back in the room and then he starts wailing, "Moooommmmmmmeeeeeee". Repeat. Again.
All together now. . .

So. I go in, they scramble to me as I climb onto the bed, each trying to get as close to me as possible and if full body contact isn't an option, any body part will do. There are arms wrapped around my torse, legs wrapped around mine, heads buried into my chest. I don't know where one child ends and the other begins.

Why are you so upset, I ask? Dean answers first. "I'm sad because I just don't know why things have to change? Why does the moon have to come up every night? I just want it to be daytime". Whoa - where to start? I tell him that night time is when his body rests so it can keep growing big and strong. Sleeping allows his brain to rest and grow so he'll be smart and kind. I tell him that change is a wonderful thing and that each day is another opportunity for him to grow, to learn, and have fun and that he should enjoy every single day.

Then Jack starts crying. What's wrong, I say? He tells me, "I just don't want anyone to ever die." Ohhhhkaaaay. Another doozy. I tell him as gently as possible, "Everyone dies. Dying is a part of life and there's nothing we can do to change it. The best thing we can do is enjoy every moment of our lives, cherish our time with our loved ones, and have fun with our friends."

We fell asleep. Jack with his head nuzzled against my chest, his arms around my waist, our legs intertwined and Dean spooning him with his head tucked into the back of Jack's neck, his arm resting across Jack's body with his hand lying on my hip.

Oh, I love them so much it hurts.