Twenty Years

Twenty years ago today I arrived in this city with my little dodge packed to the gills and my head full of dreams.

I'm still here....

I'm not doing what I came out to do but I love the way my life has turned out.

This has been one hell of a ride and it's only getting better....

Something Sweet

My photo was posted on the truffle girls website today.

Have a peek.

Note from the Universe

Every day I get a note from the Universe, delivered straight to my inbox.

This was today's:

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you, Kelsi, doesn't it? You don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change... Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming. By the way, you row my oars -
The Universe

Today is my 41st birthday. Last year, as I faced my 40th birthday I was also facing an impending job loss (though the official notice took months...) and a crisis of confidence, of sorts. I wanted to do something more creative but I didn't have the background. I loved taking pictures but didn't want make it my business. I liked to write but I didn't like to be told when to write or what to write!! So I did Mondo Beyondo and Inspired Work and I made my lists and I opened myself up to my largest hopes and dreams. I remember sitting at my desk one day and deciding that I needed to write down what kind of boss I wanted and what kind of team I wanted to work with. I wrote the following words: Inspiring, Creative, Collaborative, Innovative, Challenging. Now? I'm there. Is it because I made a list? Would it have happened anyway? Or does my openness to the possibilities actually bring the possibilities to me? There's no way of knowing. But it certainly didn't hurt, did it? I feel so incredibly blessed - by the opportunities I've been given, by the people in my life, by the love that surrounds me. If this can happen after one of my hardest years in which I felt directionless and helpless....what will the future bring?

Not a recap, yet

I can't do the summer recap right now. Instead, here are some things that absolutely made my day today:

• Dean, bursting into the house yelling my name, "MOM! Where are you? I had such a good day! I LOVE MY SCHOOL!! Thank you for introducing me to Talia and Quinn! I made so many new friends! I have my own cubby and I get mail! Thank you so much!"
• Jack, shyly looking up at me and telling me that yeah, he had a great day, too.
  
• This email about one of my photographs: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!!?!?! I LOVE IT! jeez, this is a genius photo. i got chills." - from a t.ruffle girl!!! D'you know how amazing that felt??
• Salmon cakes with honey mustard sauce and steamed green beans and snap peas tossed with the best butter in the world.
• The lunches and coffee are made for tomorrow.
• A good Tae Kwon Do workout at home - all my forms, self defense techniques and advanced one-step sparring. Awesome!
  
• My book, waiting for me to finish this post!
• Life is good.
  

Back to School ... And More Coming

The boys started school today - at a new school. It's hard to start in a new place and leave good friends behind. The boys were excited about their new school, but a little nervous. Today will be the hardest day for them but I know, absolutely to my core, that this was the right decision for them.

A way overdue Summer Recap is in store and I swear I will write it tonight.

So much good is happening .... it makes my heart want to burst open.

I'm woefully behind on photos - I am still taking them (most of the time) but completely fell off the wagon about posting them. I hope to get back on track with it soon.

More is coming .... I promise. But if I don't get to it later today, just know this: I was in one of the worst mental places in my life this time last year. I had no idea what I was going to do job-wise, I was about to turn 40, I felt lost and uninspired, I felt checked out as a parent and wife, I felt sorry for myself and angry, I felt I hadn't done enough and I was running out of time. Now, one year later, I am about to turn 41. I've had the absolute BEST summer spending time with friends and family. I have a new job that I love, working with people who are smart, creative, and inspiring. My kids are going to the school that I wished for. My husband and my kids are healthy and wonderful. I don't have any more time, money or rest than I did last year but my life is so full of love and I am thrilled with the momentum and the direction in which it's going.

You may think I'm crazy, but I firmly believe that this had a lot to do with my change of direction.

Today

Today I:

slept in (sadly 8:00am is now sleeping in)
finished the laundry
baked 2 loaves of banana bread
gave 1 loaf away to a friend
laughed
cleaned the house
bought fresh fruit from the farm stand
brushed both dogs
cooked 2 meals
cleaned the kitchen
took pictures
said hello to my neighbors
didn't yell at the boys
almost had to cross off that last sentence

Today

Today I:
Yelled at the boys
Said I'm sorry
Worked hard
Had lunch with a friend
Laughed hard
Was inspired
Got sweaty
Had ideas
Am grateful
Exercised
Bought groceries
Washed dishes
Prepped for tomorrow
Took a picture
Wrote on my blog
Took a hot shower
Went to sleep

I love happy endings.

Inexpressible Beauty

Two Wolves

Two Wolves

An old Cherokee told his grandson that a battle that goes on inside each us.
The battle is between two 'wolves'.
One 'wolf' is Evil. It has anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other 'wolf' is Good. It has joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

~Native American Proverb

**********************************************************

My two wolves have been at war with each other lately. I try my best to quiet the evil one and give attention to the good one but with everything going on in my life right now, it isn’t easy. I mentioned it to Master Dylan yesterday and he told me about the Native America proverb written above. It makes so much sense, doesn’t it? If you feed your jealousy, it grows. It’s like fire – if you give it oxygen, it gets bigger and more fierce. My anger, my resentment, my ego have all been clamoring at the buffet table wanting more, more, more. But the other wolf, the one that seeks peace, the one that believes in generosity of spirit, compassion and kindness, it has been quietly tapping me on the shoulder. “Don’t forget about me,” it whispers, “this is who you are”. So I hand it a scrap and think naively that it will be enough.

It’s not enough. But it’s a start.

One Word

I'm not doing resolutions this year. Not because I don't believe in them but because I want to try something different. I read recently about choosing one word that becomes the theme for the new year. I liked that idea and thought it would be an interesting way to think about how I want to navigate my fresh start. I love January, I love closing the door on the last year and being open to the possibilities that are to come. I always feel a little sad and weary in October and November as I realize that the year is winding to a close and I wonder if I've crossed off any of the things on my list. So this year, there will be no list - just one word.

focus:
a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity

This will be my word for 2010. I'm really looking forward to kicking 2009 to the curb.

If you'd like to learn more about the one little word idea, visit Ali Edwards' blog. Her scrapbook layouts and ideas are amazing and she's also good with the words.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Ten Years

Ten years ago today I married the love of my life.

It was a beautiful day filled with love and laughter, set against the spectacular backdrop of the woods of North Lake Tahoe.

I thought it was an amazing way to start our life together.

And now it's ten years later and it's been better than I could have ever hoped for.

Happy Tenth Anniversary, Tom.

Martial Artist

I am reminded all of a sudden that the words 'low contact' before the word 'sparring' doesn't really make that big of a difference when the bruises show up later. In fact, if I'd had gear on I probably wouldn't have so many bruises now, would I?

My favorite part of this morning's session was when Master D told us to sit down and listen to our breathing (after 2 rounds of sparring), went over to where Jack was sitting and said, "Jack, I want to tell you something about your mother. She is an awesome martial artist and she could totally kick your ass, she doesn't because she doesn't want to, not because she can't. Never forget that."

Probably not appropriate to say to a 6 year old but nice to hear anyway.

A Long Rambling Update

My goodness but it's been a long time. Lots of goings on since the great tonsillectomy of 2009.

***

Chad and his family came for a visit at the end of April. It was the first time the cousins had seen each other since the summer of 2007. They had a great time with the three oldest boys getting along famously and Charlie tagging along good naturedly. Oh that Charlie is just pure sweetness. In the days leading up to the visit, Jack was working out the sleeping arrangements:
Jack: I'll sleep in the middle and Charlie can sleep next to me in case he gets scared. Miles can sleep on the other side and Dean can sleep on the end. Dean? Are you going to be scared?
Dean: Well, I might be a little bit scared.
Jack: Hmm, I wish we didn't have 3 kids because I only have 2 arms.

It turned out that Jack couldn't fall asleep with three kids gabbing around him and wound up in our bed, at least for the beginning of the night. Still, considering how excited they all were about playing together and slumber partying, they all did really well.

We went to the observatory and the park on one day and then went for a hike in the Angeles forest the next day. Those activities were great but really, the best hours were spent in freeplay throwing the football at the park, climbing on the playhouse in our backyard and playing with the hose. It was a great weekend to reconnect and we're especially looking forward to our midwest trip this summer when we'll get to spend even more time together.

***
We went to San Diego last weekend to reward the boys with a trip to Legoland. They've been earning points for good behavior and we told them that when they got enough points, we'd go to Legoland. I have to admit that there were whole weeks when we didn't record any points - not because their behavior didn't warrant it, but because it's just one more thing to keep up with.
We stayed at a lovely hotel near the park and they shuttled us back and forth. Legoland is the perfect amusement park for 6 year olds. Every ride is designed for their age group so they can go on practically everything, sometimes accompanied by an adult, sometimes not. There are also several open play places with rope ladders, ramps, climbing nets and slides where the kids can just cut loose. We also lucked out with weather, there was rain in the forecast which seemed to keep the locals away but it stayed dry so it turned out to be a perfect day. Even kids get tired of an amusement park after 5 hours though, so we headed back to the hotel in the late afternoon. The pool at the hotel was heated to a lovely 85 degrees and the kids spent an hour and a half frollicking in it. When we suddenly realized that it was 7:00 and the kids' fingers were shriveled and pickled, we thought it best to get dressed and find some dinner. The boys were exhausted though and we didn't make it through dinner without Jack falling asleep and Dean almost melting down. Back to the hotel we went to get lost in crisp white linen and the luxury of king sized beds. The boys love hotels.

We were blessed with light traffic on the way home (on the way down, too but that's so 3 days ago) so we were home in plenty of time for me to do some laundry and the grocery shopping.

Dean wasn't feeling very well on Sunday. He was slightly feverish and complaining of a sore throat. It suddenly dawned on us (me and Tom) that he was a little cranky and whiny at Legoland the day before and of course, that's how he always gets in the day or two before he comes down with something. When will we ever learn? The next morning he seemed better but Jack woke up early and in a thick voice told me he didn't feel well. Sure enough, his glands were the size of golf balls. I kept them both home, the last thing I need is the school to think they have the swine flu! Later Monday morning I was advised by Dean's teacher that he is Student of the month! How exciting! Luckily, he felt better today and was looking forward to being honored at the school assembly this morning. He dressed in all black, wearing his new black converse shoes - one laced with a black lace and the other laced with white. He's a trendsetter that boy.
Jack is still sick today but has no fever. He slept until 8:15 - highly unusual. Tom and I were talking last night about how they even get sick differently - Dean always gets cranky and whiny at least a day before he shows any symptoms of being sick and we always wonder what in the heck is wrong with him, then ohhhhhh, he's sick, of course. Jack just becomes quiet and lethargic, content to lay on the couch and watch tv - something he rarely is when he's healthy.

***

And now. That pretty much brings you up to the present. Except that I haven't written about how hard the last few weeks have been. How I've lost my patience. I beat myself up, guilty of letting my worst self out rather than my best. And this is the worst part of motherhood. The expectations we place on ourselves to be perfect, the expectations that are put on us. I have gone over and over in my mind how I could have been better. Could I have done something different? Of course, I know what I could have done. Looking back without the emotion of the moment there are lots of better options I can see. Hindsight, you know. I went into the weekend in San Diego with the idea of it being the reset button. There were no timetables, no expectations, no work to be done. Just fun, just going where we wanted, when we wanted. The weekend of yes, sure, why not instead of not right now, maybe later, no. We need more weekends like that. I'm going to do my best to make that happen.

***
In case anyone's interested, I'm a purple stripe belt now - the 6th color belt. And yes, I still love it. I broke a board with my spear hand the other day. Awesome.

***
I'll try to write more so there won't be these long, rambling posts once a month. But no promises. I don't do well with promises.

***
One final note: Jack is sitting on the arm of the chair next to me as I type, absentmindedly running his fingers through my hair as he watches Spirited Away. I don't ever want to forget the sweetness of that.

Tournament

I left my house at 6:30 this morning. It was still dark and the mountains were shrouded in a thick mist. I listened to Louis Prima because I like to sing along and I knew if I was singing, I was breathing. It worked. I didn't forget to breathe for the entire 60 minute drive to Pomona for the tournament.

Once there, I sat around and waited for my division to compete in forms. It took hours. Finally it was our turn. Two girls went together and I went alone. My form was solid, it had snap and power with a loud qihap (HA!) at the end. I felt really good about it. I got a silver medal for it. I wanted gold and Master Dylan thought it deserved gold but considering I just learned this form 2 weeks ago, silver's pretty damn good and I'll take it.

Then, and I'm not kidding, 7 hours of waiting around later and it was finally our turn for the sparring competition. I went up against another orange belt, roughly the same size as me - maybe a little taller - and I felt relaxed and ready, not nervous. I did a loud qihap at the beginning, hoping to freak her out a little bit. Then everything went right out of my head. She kept throwing roundhouse left, roundhouse right, roundhouse left combos and I just couldn't seem to get out of her way. I was behind after the first round and Master Dylan told me to throw my right leg and pivot out of her way. He reminded me about my ax kick. So I went back out and immediately did a stance switch followed by a side kick to the stomach and an ax kick with my left. It got me a point and it startled her a little. That's when I really should have started throwing some combinations at her but I didn't. I lost against her but I gained some valuable information. I ended up taking bronze in sparring.

And now it's 9:30 and I just got home 30 minutes ago and I'm almost too exhausted to go to bed.

But I will.

Belt Testing

I never did write about my belt test last week so I'll do a quick break down of it now. The boys are outside working on science experiments I think? It's better if I just stay inside and let 'em do what they want. So, about the testing . . .

There were probably 20 of us testing for various belt colors. I was a little nervous, mostly just because I didn't know how the testing would go and didn't know any of the others except for Peter. We lined up according to size and belt color, faced the flags and bowed, faced the masters and bowed and then began the testing - white belt first, then yellow, and so on. I tested with one other person - an 8 or 9 year old boy. We did our 8 hand techniques and then our 2 self defense techniques. Then we knelt down and each had to answer a question. Mine was easy - what is sabumnim (master, mentor, father figure). Then we did our forms and I tried to be really crisp and precise. Then it was on to our falling motion - a back fall from a crouching position. The proper technique for coming out of this fall at the yellow belt level is to tuck the right leg under and roll up to a kneeling position. I can do the chinese get-up which is when your on your back, you roll your legs back behind your head, put your hands on the floor on either side of your head and using the momentum of your legs, you swing yourself up to a standing position. So, instead of rolling up to my knee I did the chinese getup. I didn't quite make it around though and ended up falling back to my back and the instructors yelled "do it again!" and I tried it again but again fell back and they yelled "almost! do it again!" and I tried but still didn't make it so I rolled up to the kneeling position. Master Robie told everyone that it wasn't the way to come out of that falling motion but that if you know how to do something you should try and everyone give her a hand for trying the chinese getup. It was really cool. I had pretty much decided not to attempt it during the test but then at the last second just decided to go for it. Then they went on to the other belt colors and then it was time to break some boards. First they had us line up according to size to do some kicking. After that they lined us up to do our breaking. Yellow and white belts were last because ours were running kicks so we lined up lengthwise in the studio. Peter broke 3 boards at once. My breaking technique for this test was a running, jumping snap kick. The snap kick is the one that the karate kid did in the movie. So you sort of run down the mat, adjusting steps for distance as you go, then up goes the right knee and the left leg snaps up and breaks the board. The person holding my board was about my height and was holding the board at about shoulder level. My master told her to raise it up and she did until he told her to stop when it was over her head. It was at about 5'8 or 5'9. I gave a good loud "HA" and then started down the mat. I brought my knee up and then snapped that left leg up with my toes pulled back so when my foot hit the board it was hitting with the hard part of my foot. I heard the board snap and splinter and saw shards of wood falling all around me. There was a gasp in the studio and then I landed on the mat. I looked at Rosa who had been holding the board and she was sort of ducking her head to avoid splinters. Someone at the judges table remarked "that's how you break a board". I looked at the mat and the board was in three pieces. She picked them up and presented them to me, I bowed and thanked her then approached the judges, presented the pieces, bowed and thanked them. I went over to where Peter was standing and he pointed at the ceiling where a piece of my board had flown up and put a hole in the ceiling tile. There might have been some adrenaline pumping through my veins, right?

After that it was time to spar. There wasn't another girl my size who I could spar with so they paired me up with a guy who was just a couple of inches taller than me who was testing for blue belt. They kept telling him to control his power. Must have said that 3 or 4 times. He was really good and really controlled his power. He landed some good kicks though! Still, I held my own and felt pretty good about it. Especially since I never felt panicked like I had the first time I sparred with Peter. I did get really winded though and now I know I really need to work on my stamina. I haven't been running since I started TKD and I need to incorporate that into my week. Yeah, one more thing to add to my already overflowing plate.

After the sparring, we lined up and knelt down in front of the judges. The kids got stars for excellence at home, in the studio, and at school and then they handed out the trophies. They called my name and said you all know why Kelsi deserves this trophy right? You all saw how she tested today. Let's give her a hand. It was so unexpected that there would be trophies and I need a trophy like I need a hole in my head but it felt so good to get it! I worked so hard and was so prepared, mentally and physically, for that test so it was really nice to be recognized for it. I want to be that prepared for every belt test that I have.

On Monday I was told that I officially promoted to orange belt and then he taught me my new form, new 8 hand techniques, new self defenses, new one step sparrings and new falling motion. Suddenly, I don't know anything again - it's all new and it all feels weird and uncomfortable. Which is exactly the way it's supposed to be.

R E S P E C T

I am so sleepy but there's something that I've been wanting to write about.

This has been a tough year in many ways. The transition from daycare to public school was tough for the boys and for me. I am inundated with information coming from emails, handouts and canned phone messages on a daily basis either giving information about school or asking for money or asking for volunteers. It is constant. I have a strong desire to please and I often get myself in over my head. I became the holder of all the information and the stress was making me crazy. I had to back out of my commitment to the twin club because I was barely keeping my head above water as it was. I have also been extremely busy at work, even busier now that Bolt has released in theaters, and getting busier all the time. Obviously there's still the daily household stuff to manage like packing lunches, making dinner, keeping the house cleaned up and making sure the boys' homework is done. Weekends are spent doing the laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning the house - very little "fun" time manages to squeeze in. To add Tae Kwon Do to my schedule, I get up at 5:00am on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, shower and get ready for work, pack my work clothes, wear my TKD uniform, pack the boys' lunches, get their breakfast ready and make sure they're awake and getting dressed before I leave at 6:25. Then I work through lunch to make up for being almost an hour late on those days.

With all that in my life, I was surprised to discover another benefit to doing Tae Kwon Do besides the obvious physical benefit. Each class begins and ends with meditation. I know how beneficial it is to my mind and spirit when I take that time to meditate - I just don't usually do it on my own. The most surprising thing though is my use of "sir" and "ma'am" outside of the studio. In the studio, we address our master as 'sir' and any other higher belt is addressed with the same level of respect. We lower belts are treated with the same level of respect, as well. It seeped into my everyday life too and it has been an amazing experiment and experience. Just the other day as I walked into the grocery store, there was a man standing at the entrance trying to get donations for some charity. As I walked past him I looked him in the eye and said cheerily, "Good morning Sir!" He looked at me so strangely and asked me what I said to him. I repeated my greeting and he laughed and said, "Good morning ma'am! I don't get very many people greeting me like that. I'm not used to it."

Isn't that sad? He's a human being and he's just trying to do his part, whether it's a cause I want to support or not. He was still there when I left the store and I said "have a good day sir!" and he wished me the same. And for the first time ever, I didn't feel guilty for not donating. Usually I was avert my eyes and mumble "sorry". And that day I decided that I would greet everyone with the same level of respect that I show my master in the studio. Whether they're the checker at the grocery store, a passerby in the commissary, or the kid behind the counter at starbucks. The result has been remarkable. The service improves and I generally get eye contact and a smile. I thought that saying sir or ma'am would make me feel like I'm giving up my power. But the opposite happens. It makes me feel better, stronger and it makes the other person feel important. It takes absolutely nothing away from me. It's amazing.

So, that's my little lesson for the day. Look people in the eye, show respect, smile - you will be a better person for it.

Orange

Tomorrow I test for the orange belt. I can't believe I've only been training for 8 weeks. It feels much longer than that. I am ready for the test and am only minimally worried about the sparring. At least I don't feel like I'm going to cry in the middle of sparring anymore. This is my first time testing with the rest of the studio and I'm looking forward to comparing my technique to theirs. I have only Peter to compare myself to and since he's 2 years further along than I am, it's not much of a comparison. They tell me I'm doing very well but it will be nice to see for myself. I wish I could have Tom and the boys come to watch but I'm pretty sure that they'll freak out watching me spar. Well, Tom probably wouldn't freak out.

I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Wish me luck!

TKD and Updates

Jen was right - I broke that board with a running side kick. Right before I did it I had this flashback of being 12 years old, getting ready to do a vault. In both cases, in reality and my flashback, I had to visualize what I was going to do, take a deep breath and start running. Different activities to be sure but the focus and concentration required is similar. The exhilaration I felt when I heard that board SNAP! was incredible. So fun.
I am learning something new every day I train. Today I learned that I have to flatten my foot and not allow my toes to curl up when I do a roundhouse kick or else I'll break the nail on my big toe and OW THAT HURTS! I also learned I better be quicker about avoiding Peter's kicks/punches when we spar or else I'll get kicked in the head.
Don't worry - he just grazed me.
I have a line of bruises on my arm like a nice, neat row of airplanes that are ready for takeoff.
I test for my yellow belt on Friday.

The boys are excited for Christmas and ask me every day "How many more days?". Jack finally put it on his calendar so he can keep track himself. We have an appointment with the ENT tomorrow to take a look at Dean and talk about sleep apnea. We videotaped him sleeping last night for 2 hours so hopefully the doctor will find that helpful. I've been getting calls from the school about once per week that Dean has had some minor accident on the playground - almost always it involves hitting his head. One day he ran into a pole and got a huge knot on his head. Another day he and another kid bonked heads and Dean bore the brunt over his eye so he got a nice shiner out of that one. Just yesterday they called and said they don't even know what happened but he was in the office with ice on his head. Poor little bean.

We built a loft for their bed and they love it. We still have a lot of work to do like painting it and getting some kind of ladder or steps but for now, it looks cool and it allowed us to move all their toys out of the living room and into their room. It was an amazing transformation to the living room!

TKD

Jen wanted to know how I liked my first class.

I think everyone should start their day with kicking and punching! What a release!
It was overwhelming and I felt kind of stupid for much of the time. There's an amazing amount of technique and terminology to learn but it will all come in time. My gymnastics background definitely helped. I will need to let loose a little bit - I'm not used to yelling SAH! and BAH! We didn't do that in gymnastics! I will also need to check my ego at the door, defer to my master (hard for me!), understand that there is a steep learning curve, and trust in my master and fellow student (my friend Peter). That's the analysis that is swirling in my head.

My gut reaction though was THIS IS AWESOME!

My next class is tomorrow morning and I can't wait!

TKD

Many, many, many, many, moons ago I met a girl when I was waitressing at that Italian place who was taking Tae Kwon Do and I thought, ohhh, I want to do that someday.

Many, many, many moons ago my dear friend Jenny told me that she met the most fabulous guy at her Tae Kwon Do studio and I thought, ohhh, I wish I could take Tae Kwon Do.

Many, many moons ago my friend Peter started taking Tae Kwon Do and I whispered to myself, ohhh, I want to do that.

Many moons ago my friend Peter broke his foot during Tae Kwon Do and I thought, yikes, but I still want to do that.

Just a few moons ago I summoned the courage to tell my friend Peter that I really want to do that and he made it ridiculously easy for me to do so.

Tomorrow is the day of my first Tae Kwon Do lesson.

And the moon, well the moon is grinning from ear to ear.










And if you're keeping track of moons, this dream is about 16 years in the making. Of course moon time-keeping is not very scientific so you'll have to trust me.

And a huge thank you goes out to my sweet man for supporting me in this endeavor.