Sunday, October 04, 2009

Looking Up

I haven't written about it but September was a rocky month. Beginning with the news that my boss is leaving and punctuated by my milestone birthday of FORTY (FORTY is always in all caps), each day found me in a different state of agitation. Sometimes depressed, afraid and angry, other times high with the possibilities that lie ahead, always with a hint of hyperventilation and the threat of hives. On the one hand I've been entertaining the biggest of dreams and then my inner critic surfaces and, well, she can wreck the best of parties.
Change is in the air, of that I am certain. I don't know when for sure it will come but it seems inevitable. Restructuring at work will result in a complete change in my job unless of course there isn't a job left at all. This isn't speculation on my part - the powers that be are doing right by me by being straight up honest about everything and I am grateful for that. There may be other options within my division and there may be other options in the company. Or it may just be time for me to leave.
Believe it or not, turning FORTY was the major highlight of September. The age doesn't bother me - I love birthdays so it doesn't matter what number it is. I had a few friends over, ate some good food, drank a lot of wine and then slept in the next day. It was perfect. But FORTY is a milestone, is it not? And it does start one to thinking about how to spend the next FORTY. Suddenly, at FORTY, I'm beginning to ask myself the hard questions again: What do you want to do with your life? What are your biggest dreams? Isn't there more? The funny thing is, what keeps coming up most frequently in my mind is that I want to work less. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to get home when they're coming home from school. So how do I do that and still make a living? Where can I go where I only have to work from 9 to 3? And still make a decent salary? And still feel fulfilled? Or does my fulfillment come from the ability to devote this time to my family?
You see why September was such a roller coaster for me?
Mondo Beyondo starts tomorrow - an online course about dreaming big and fulfilling your biggest dreams. It may not be the answer, it may bring me many, many more questions but it seems like it's the right timet to dream big.
I am also taking a workshop in November called Inspired Work. I'm not sure how exactly it will work in my case but I think the concept is this: work is a significant relationship in our lives and most people are unhappy with what they are doing. Inspired Work is about helping you become inspired in the work you are doing or inspired to make a change. I mentioned this workshop to someone the other day and she said "what happens if you find out you're doing something you shouldn't really be doing and now you've had all these years of experience and school and it's too late". And I thought my inner critic was tough. The thing is, it's never too late to make a change. My mom went back to school at the age of 47. She became a nurse at 52 years old - her lifelong dream. Julia Child went to Le Cordon Bleu at the age of 47. I'm only FORTY.
I like stability so all these questions make me a little crazy but I can't help but be a little excited at what could be. I don't know what the future will bring but so far, October is looking up.

5 comments:

Daria said...

I totally get what you are saying. One thing that's good about this horrible economy is that people are revaluating their lives (many start up companies are thriving - lots of people going for their dreams). I've got a few weeks left on my job of 16 years and I'm scared and excited at the same time. It's important to stay hopeful and grateful which obviously you are doing. Just like in the movie Parenthood, life is such a rollercoaster and the key is to enjoy the ride.

Mama Bear... .. . said...

i think you have your priorities right, so the rest is the mystery of life and what keeps us going. i know you'll find it and find peace in doing it.

FORTY is right around the corner for me, so thanks for making it feel inspiring.

family first. that's your greatest success!

TWINTALES said...

Thanks Ladies. I'm inspired by each of you.

Daria - you are a wonderful, thoughtful writer. You are a great mom, honest about the hard parts but also so grateful for what you have. I love reading about your adventures and am impressed at how well you read your children's cues.

Lisa - you blow me away. You're so creative, so open, so seemingly 'flowy' about your mamahood. I long to be as free-spirited and present in my parenthood as you seem to be. You are one of the most fully engaged mama's I've ever known. It's beautiful.

Thank you both for inspiring me.

Anonymous said...

I swear.. How is it we are 4000 gazillion millions from each other and have not been in the same place geographically since we were 17 and yet mentally I feel like we are both "right there"
I heard ya sister and I am feelin the pull and the call and your pain and aniexty and excitement and..........
Also, a comment to Daria..I was thinking about that exact same line from Parenthood on my way to work this morning...
I miss you Kels..call me soon, I want to hear all about Mondo Beyondo.
Love Ya,
Jen

TWINTALES said...

Jen,

It's amazing, isn't it? Maybe it's the FORTY thing, maybe it's just us.

You have to do Mondo Beyondo in January. Sign up now! It's only been 5 days and I'm already buzzing and humming and vibrating with excitement.

Daria and Lisa - you, too!! You should sign up. I promise you will get something out of it. And, it's only $99 for 5 weeks. We've had 7 lessons so far this week, one audio interview, one e-book and lots of discussions. It's incredible.